Prologue for my novel

[BaconShelf]

I'd appreciate some feedback on this please. It's not fanfiction, so I feel it doesn't belong there. either way, I'd appreciate some feedback for the prologue of my novel. This si short compared to the other chapters at 1,358 words. Enjoy.

 

 

Prologue

Before the creation of reality as we know it, there existed only one universe. In this universe, named Primee’- or ‘The First’ by its inhabitants, one civilisation ruled. World upon world, star system upon star system, galaxy upon galaxy. Their wisdom and intellect made sure that they ruled swiftly and peacefully for trillions of years, learning everything there was to know. They had complete mastery over all things, sciences that are inconceivable to the human brain and could literally create matter from nothing. In their language, they were the Sh’Kaali- or The Creators, as they knew themselves. However, all things must come to an end, and not even the wisdom of the Sh’Kaali could stop the collapse of their universe. They could only survive it.

 

Even as millions of the doomed somehow fled their universe into the void between space, swaths of the empire died with Primee’, as that universe was destroyed. Despite the ability to travel between entire stay systems and galaxies in an instant, the Void was- is infinite. With no refuge in sight, no tasks to occupy, no research to study- literally nothing; the Sh’Kaali began to do as their namesake suggested, they created. And thus began the Creation- the empire soon rose again, not as researchers, but as creators. Entire universes were created on a whim, simple playgrounds for scientists and scholars. Within these universes, life was created and civilisations grew- an entire species would evolve to sentience and go extinct in what would be the blink of an eye. However, this was simply delaying the inevitable. In creating universes, the laws of physics were written like text in a book; there was nothing to discover, for everything was known and in turn, they grew bored. Within their universes, they grew cold. Unrelenting. Heartless. Their divinity was no longer used for creating others, but for sport. Species would be created upon a world and used as sport for soldiers to hunt down. And over time, the empire became a destructive one, rather than constructive until they went too far.

 

It was an inevitability that they would grow bold, sure of themselves. They created species to match their own strength, gave them tools and weapon on par with the ones they used themselves; this would backfire. In a galaxy in the universe that is the setting of the following tale, the S’Pher would rise up against their masters and go to war. Shocked by the ferocity at which their creations struck against them, the Sh’Kaali could not fight back and before long, they were routed from the galaxy by those they created. As the last vestiges held out, they knew they could not win- their foe was bred to be superior in every way, there was simply no hope of winning. All they could do was use their talents to create civilisations that would have the genetic coding to rise up and fight against the S’Pher from the inside. Thousands of probes, scouts and drones were sent to create worlds for the life forms they were given. It is unknown how many got past the S’Pher barriers around stars and solar systems, but some did and over time, would evolve into the species told about here, and many others not known about. In this galaxy, later named the Milky Way, one of these ships would land on Earth and bring the genetic seeding of humanity to the galaxy.

 

For billions of years, human technology grew until the year 2114, when first Human scout ships landed on Primus, the first world to be colonised outside of the Sol system. For the next few decades, expansion would be relatively peaceful with only minor disputes between UNCE (United Nations and Colonies of Earth) Militaries and CLA (Colonial Liberation Alliance) forces. But in 2205, war would begin over the world of Exilion and would lead to loss of thousands of lives until 2214, where CLA forces would surrender on the world on which the war was started, leading to the period dubbed the ‘Exilion Wars’. In 2221, Human explorers would make first contact with alien species on the world named Refuge. The Collective- made up of the races of Osmatari, Nûenin, Sanpaari, Beserker and Vulture- were dealing with vicious civil war with two former member species of the MiifShan and Thanatus (Thanatus being another species seeded by the Sh’Kaali.)

 

Humans protected Collective refugees on Refuge (Named for this reason.) of which the Thanatus had no knowledge. Following refugee ships, the Thanatus would attack Refuge without knowing of the Human fleet on the other side of the planet. Thus would ensue the First Contact War in 2260, ending with UNCE blockading of the Thanatus homeworld, Thanator, in 2263. This display of dominance lead to the Collective restructuring itself around the UNCE, due to its military and economy being almost nonexistent in light of a two-century war. In 2265, the UNCE would also restructure itself in light of an alien alliance as the UCE- the United Colonies of Earth- founded as a direct military for fighting alien combatants whereas the Colonial Police would handle domestic affairs. The UCE would assume full control of the Collective in the following years, eventually culminating in the formation of the Imperium in 2351, with Humans leading in almost all strengths- political, militarily, economically, scientifically and socially. Despite being ‘top dogs’, close relations would be made with Osmatari and Nûenin leaders, leading a close alliance between the three species. In this, a few species-a large portion of the Sanpaari, Miifshan and later, Thanatus militaries would later create an insurgent group known as the UOS (Union of Species) to remove humans from power, and would be largely unsuccessful in this due to overwhelming Imperial strength.

 

Nontheless, Human leaders knew an uprising would be inevitable and began the Exodus project. A seemingly perfect system with two habitable worlds, with almost every terrestrial body having large deposits of minerals for mining was decided as a kind of ‘nuclear bunker’ for Humans to hide. The project was also dubbed as Earth 2.0 due to it having more protection than the capital itself. With this position, Humans would rule for centuries until the year 2654, when the long-dormant S’Pher empire would finally awaken to the large Human empire. The S’Pher would initiate a devastating surprise attack on Earth- the Imperium’s capital. Within days, the planet would fall to the new and ancient threat. Having won everything since the 20^th century, the UCE would misjudge their new enemy’s strength and unleash most of their advanced technologies upon the ‘core’ worlds. This strategy would prove to be a disaster, as almost all energy weapons, repulsor vehicles and respective factories would be lost in the conflict. In the fall of the Imperium, many old resentments would emerge and militias would be created on hundreds of worlds, of all species. The CLA would be reformed, the Union of Species would claim several mid-range colonies from Imperial troops and the UCE would retreat to their Exodus. The Imperial Remnant- the Osmatari, Nûenin and Tankaii would form a close bond to protect themselves and stay away from the numerous conflicts that now riddled the galaxy while the Beserkers, Burrowers and Archers returned to their respective worlds and the Vultures would form mercenary and pirate groups in space for the highest bidder. Due to Thanatus relations to Humans and Sh’Kaali, the S’Pher would also fight against the UOS though never concentrating on that conflict as they did with Humans, sometimes even enlisting their aid in attacking UCE-held outposts.

In 2701, the UCE would prepare for an assault on S’Pher-occupied Earth, sending all forces to the homeworld for one final battle against the enemy, and one squad out of the thousands would play a pivotal role in this fight. These soldiers were known as Fireteam Sledgehammer, and would ultimately be the deciding factor in the shaping of the Galaxy in years to come, deciding events that would make sure that nothing could go back to how it was pre-war. This is the story of Sledgehammer, and the front that would decide the fate of trillions of life-forms everywhere. 

[Vinyl Scratch]

This is a GREAT prologue, and I am FINICKY. The only thing I want to see is at least one "good" species that allies with the humans, and can they please be insectoid? Kinda like halo drones but larger, more upright and stronger overall. 

 

Besides my little request, I have not much to criticize, very well done! 

 

One thing you could do, is shed some light on how the species found each other, and how they formed The Collective. Detail is always good.

 

Also, add some more species that are sentient, intelligent, but not however considered part of The Collective. Similar to Star Wars and Mass Effect, not every species has earned a spot in their Embassy/Senate. I think you should have introduced the protagonist ( a solo character like MC) towards the end of the prologue like - "Lieutenant Johnson was blah blah blah until he was  recruit for Collective spec ops or whatever" Something that reveals who we are starting with cause just "the humans" seems rather vague. If it was a band of characters, BRIEFLY introduce them.

 

 

Great Prologue, I want to read more!

Edited May 26, 2014 by Vinyl Scratch

[BaconShelf]

This is a GREAT prologue, and I am FINICKY. The only thing I want to see is at least one "good" species that allies with the humans, and can they please be insectoid? Kinda like halo drones but larger, more upright and stronger overall. 

 

Besides my little request, I have not much to criticize, very well done! 

 

One thing you could do, is shed some light on how the species found each other, and how they formed The Collective. Detail is always good.

 

Also, add some more species that are sentient, intelligent, but not however considered part of The Collective. Similar to Star Wars and Mass Effect, not every species has earned a spot in their Embassy/Senate. I think you should have introduced the protagonist ( a solo character like MC) towards the end of the prologue like - "Lieutenant Johnson was blah blah blah until he was  recruit for Collective spec ops or whatever" Something that reveals who we are starting with cause just "the humans" seems rather vague. If it was a band of characters, BRIEFLY introduce them.

 

 

Great Prologue, I want to read more!

 

 

Here is a full list of species as of 2702.

 

Humans*

Osmatari*^

Nûenin*^

Sanpaari*

Miifshan

Thanatus

Al-Gonien^ (Forgot about these guys. They're like Halo's Drones but bigger and are fairly neutral.)

Archer/ Beserker*/ Burrower (These three are variants of the same species)

Vulture/ Rithrael*^

 

*Denotes those allied to Collective as of irst contact

^Denotes Those friendly/ neutral to humans

 

 

Many species (Mainly Al-Gonein, Burrower, Archer, Thanatus and Miifsha) only joined after Human control and formation of the Imperium. However, any species discovered is 'absorbed' to the Imperium.

[Gemini Dragons]

I agree on some points with Vinyl. More details on the species would be great to give us, the readers, a better understanding of them as a whole. I also agree with the point of a species allying with the humans, granted not an insectoid type species because they are usually the enemies of humans, plus they kinda weird me out a little. 

 

I was half expecting the Thanatus and Humans to ally themselves against the S'Pher, it would be interesting to see and how they would react towards one another. But all together it is a great story that you have got going, I'll definatly be there to read chapter 1.

[BaconShelf]

 

I agree on some points with Vinyl. More details on the species would be great to give us, the readers, a better understanding of them as a whole. I also agree with the point of a species allying with the humans, granted not an insectoid type species because they are usually the enemies of humans, plus they kinda weird me out a little.

 

I was half expecting the Thanatus and Humans to ally themselves against the S'Pher, it would be interesting to see and how they would react towards one another. But all together it is a great story that you have got going, I'll definatly be there to read chapter 1.

 

 

This is merely a backstory, it isn't intended as a full index, but to simply explain the key events that may be referenced and provide insight as to why humans are at war. It is by no means intended to explain everything- that would take several chapters, should I go in-depth. The reason Humanity has no allies is due to resentment- Humans constantly enforced a hierarchy in the Imperium. Humans got priority, Aliens were almost oppressed, the ones who had friendly relations and the ones who got the blunt end of the stick can be pretty clearly seen by the faction they joined.

[Gemini Dragons]

This is merely a backstory, it isn't intended as a full index, but to simply explain the key events that may be referenced and provide insight as to why humans are at war. It is by no means intended to explain everything- that would take several chapters, should I go in-depth. The reason Humanity has no allies is due to resentment- Humans constantly enforced a hierarchy in the Imperium. Humans got priority, Aliens were almost oppressed, the ones who had friendly relations and the ones who got the blunt end of the stick can be pretty clearly seen by the faction they joined.

OK, I see what you mean now. The humans are pretty much hated by all other species for putting them down and treating them like nothing more than trash. That seems to be fair actually, in a way the Humans deserve to lose a few planets and lives.

[WonderWombat]

I think you need to put less information into the prologue. To me it is like you immediately let the cat out of the bag. My advice (which I got from an experienced member on the Fallout fan-fiction forum) is to make the prologue as bare as possible. Then your writing in the story should reveal details that are critical to the story and setting. Just so you know this member gave me this advice after I decided what the ending of Fallout 3 was and how the next ten years played out. She told me it was too early to reveal so much of the world I was trying to create

 

For instance I feel that having the readers know that S'Pher were created by some ancient creators ruins a potential revelation. If it were me I would make it so the reader knows that the S'Pher is a very powerful race of beings, so much so to take over Earth (that is important to include for sure). Then later in the story it would be revealed that 'The Creators' created them from shear boredom which was their mistake. Something like that.

Edited May 28, 2014 by WonderWombat

[BaconShelf]

 

I think you need to put less information into the prologue. To me it is like you immediately let the cat out of the bag. My advice (which I got from an experienced member on the Fallout fan-fiction forum) is to make the prologue as bare as possible. Then your writing in the story should reveal details that are critical to the story and setting. Just so you know this member gave me this advice after I decided what the ending of Fallout 3 was and how the next ten years played out. She told me it was too early to reveal so much of the world I was trying to create

 

For instance I feel that having the readers know that S'Pher were created by some ancient creators ruins a potential revelation. If it were me I would make it so the reader knows that the S'Pher is a very powerful race of beings, so much so to take over Earth (that is important to include for sure). Then later in the story it would be revealed that 'The Creators' created them from shear boredom which was their mistake. Something like that.

 

That's some pretty good advice mang. Thanks, I'll be sure to take it into account.

[BaconShelf]

Here is another extract, from the end of the first chapter;

 

“No…” whispered Ryan as he saw the sight before him; two husks of helicopters lay smouldering in the dirt, the armour plating all but melted away to leave only the metal skeleton in the craters, silhouetted by the yellow flames behind. Several bodies lay strewn about the area, in various states of disarray and dismemberment. Those closer to the wreckage had armour fused onto the charred skin, with some even being reduced to skeletons or piles of ash from the attack. Behind the destruction, the faint shape of a large gunship could be seen fading into the night.

“What do we do now?” Asked Ryan. He dropped his gun.

“There’s nothing we can do.” Replied James, his voice sounded vacant, as though he wasn’t talking to his squad.

The soldiers stayed silent.

“There’s nothing we can do.”

[Buns]

I like the world you have set up but there are a couple of problems that really bug me. First off is the narrator. Who is he? What perspective is he/she telling the story? Whyare they telling us this? I can assume that the narrator already knows all the events that are about to unfold. Also what makes this fireteam so important? Their name seems so out of place with everything already set up. Also you introduced a LOT of information so quickly. This can easily confuse the reader and you dumped it all so quickly. Also a lot of the alien names sound/look very similar which can also confuse people.

 

Please know that I really enjoyed the read and your writing is good I just want to provide detail constructive criticism to help you improve. I am looking forward to the rest please let us know when you get around to it(seriously though good job you hooked me on very early which is probably the most important factor while reading. You want the reader to be hooked and continue. I was actually disappointed when it ended so quickly)

[BaconShelf]

Like I said, this isn't the style of the entire thing. The rest is a traditional narrative, with five main characters- Fireteam Sledgehammer. It isn't a 'narrator', but rather there to fill in events which can't be explained in the story. Sort of like the part of Lord of The Rings which explains the events of The Hobbit, and various other aspects like Isildur, etc.

 

If you read the second extract, you'd get a better idea of the writing style.