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Horrible Campaign Theories


Drizzy_Dan

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Post the worst but canonically plausible Halo 5: Guardians Campaign stories and theories in here. 

 

Here's one I pulled from a member on HaloArchive named Vegerot (who actually found it somewhere himself): 

 

The Flood have conquered the entire galaxy. Everyone has been consumed. The Master Chief, the Arbiter, everyone: gone.  Only a small group of Prophets remain.  They discover that for thousands of years, their home world of Janjur Qom is truly still intact, as was theorized in the Bestarium.  The Reformist San 'Shyuum population has gone unnoticed by the Flood.  Now, it is up to the Prophets to raise an army by increasing the entire population.  To increase their numbers, the Prophets must GET IT ON.  Basically, Halo becomes a gross porno/romantic comedy until the final, epic fight with the Flood.

 

Here's one of mine:

 

We follow Chief and Locke on what seem to be paths that eventually intersect only to be surprised that they are not even in the same galaxy however Locke does come across Chief... His flash clone all grown up living in a stolen Mjolnir suit and he's with the first Spartan IV from Initiation who is now his wife. Locke does hunt Chief but not the original Master Chief and kills the clone and the wife gets away again. Meanwhile, original Chief and Blue Team are fighting a Guardian that's guarding a burial chamber under Sangheilios that can only be opened by Chief because of his geas in order to get the last fragment of Cortana that was pulled from the Domain. Arbiter joins him and Kelly gets killed in a Kat/Carmine fashion where a bullet from far away shoots her in the head. The shooter is The Ur-Didact and he's now a Promethean Crawler because they were out of parts to make anything else for him but at least he's one of those spiky crawlers and not a regular one. Jul Mdama and Halsey are watching overhead from orbit and Halsey goes crazy after seeing Kelly get disintegrated and she starts glassing Sangheilios. Chief and the rest of Blue Team along with the Arbiter must get on a Warthog and escape the exploding planet while it is being glassed. In the end, Chief and the team make the jump but only half the ship they are on makes the jump into slipspace. The last thing we see is Chief in the light of another mysterious planet.

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I just made this up right away, so it's not an actual theory... I mean it is, now. It's ridiculous and cheesy on purpose; so no hating.

 

The UNSC Infinity gets hijacked while Chief is on it, after which the covenant kidnap him. They also murder everyone on it. After that, they kill chief and find traces of Cortana, somehow bringing her back. After this, Cortana becomes the new chief. Agent Locke has a weird thing for holographic females, and so now that he knows Cortana is back he still has hope for expressing his true love for her, that he has kept under the hood this whole time. In that H2A trailer at E3? He wasn't studying Chief... he is studying Cortana. But then when Cortana rejects him, he tells her he will kill her. She then goes on a legendary journey to escape Locke, after which he traces her down to kill her. The Arbiter wants to help him because he too has had love for one of the most beautiful aliens: the Arbiteress. But she broke his heart. In sympathy, he joins him. Eventually, Locke and the Arbiter find Chief (aka Cortana), and kill him (her). Then, he regrets it, but remembers that the new OS that Microsoft is releasing, Windows 2,552 still has the fan favorite feature that was a hit on Windows 10 n the ancient times, around the year 2015. Microsoft kept Cortana as a feature on it, and so Locke pirates a copy through the Galactic-Wide Web before it is even out. Then he installs it on his new ship that he custom made, the UNSC Cortana. Then he dies of a heart attack from hearing her voice go "How may I help you?". After this, coincidentally a universal apocalypse happens and the universe as we know it ends. To be continued in Halo 6: Guardians Premium Plus Gold Collectors Limited Ultra edition.

 

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I said this once. I'll say it again. 

 

So it came to my attention, I decided to put everything together and find out why Chief went what you all call, "Rogue." Why is Locke getting involved with a squadron with three others? Well the answer is simple, yet complicated to put together. Master Chief is not looking for Cortana in H5, he's looking for better things first. Locke is after him, he wants it.

 

Chief wants to get something so Legendary, that it's simple. He want's Reckonz...

 

He went off on his own to obtain the armor, something the UNSC or ONI have yet to do on their own. They have simulations in War Games where it's obtainable, but that's just simulation. Chief thinks he has found it.

 

What appeared in this trailer to what everyone thought was a War Sphinx or something Forerunner? 

 

1143553-rBmZPhQp4t-NZFsQ.jpg

 

 

That was the Guardian who held the sacred Recon armor Chief wanted so badly for himself. He found it first, before anyone else. Which is where Locke comes in. Locke wants it, too. His job is to stop the Chief. Which it looks like he has failed. Chief has found it and stored the armor in a backpack. Which you can see him carrying in the teasers and other trailers.

 

Locke throws down his DMR, because he needs room on his back to carry the Backpack. Whereas chief didn't. Because he was taller and had more leg room.

 

The whole plot of H5G is about getting that Recon back for themselves. They both want it. That's what it's all about, the legendary Recon armor. With a flaming helmet.

 

ReconArmor.png

 

Stay tuned for more.

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HALO 5 SUPER SECRET SCRIPT

 

 

Mister Chief goes on to find his parents, and they're old and wrinkly. As John attempts to talk to his dad, he here's a giant sound and it's the Big Bird forerunner thing. He tells his Father he will be back, to which his dad responds by saying "What?" about 4 minutes after John had left the retirement home.

 

Arbiter and Locke see the big bird thing from space. And they go down and have that Halo 2 Anniversary cutscene moment. As they get close the Elite Pilot crashes into the birds face thinking it would kill it. Everyone dies except for Locke, his team, the Arbiter, and the dumb pilot somehow. They get up and the Bird says "Hi" and crushes the Pilot. The Bird thing has Mendicant Bias' soul and they must take it back to his Brain on the ark. Master Chief arrives to hear this and Locke Berates him on how he is stupid. Master Chief thinks this is mean, and runs back to his father. Locke and everyone else follows. Master Chief also says to the Arbiter we're not friends. This make's Arbiter sad as well. Before they go though, Mendicant Bias spirit gives them acid and they go on a LSD trip, talking about their feelings to one another.

 

Back at the retirement home, which is a human retirement home on Sanghellios, yes I know, 343 came up with this in a book called: "My son died at 6" John says "I'm here dad!" His dad raises his eyebrows "Who?." John Responds "John, it's me John!" His dad then says "Who the hell is that?" His father has Alzheimer's and can't remember his existence.

 

After a supersad moment where John is seen crying into Arbiter's lap, Locke points a BR into the Back of his head saying "I am SICK, SICK, SICK OF YO' S***" Blue team's arrival shakes the complex so that when Locke fires he misses and hits Romeo in his Junk. Buck consoles him, As Romeo says "Man, and I thought you were the one always "Bustin' My balls." Just like a sitcom the camera freezes as a invisible audience laughs. Their laughs turn demonic as the Flood show up. The Gravemind, who can actually move now, says "NOW THE GATE HAS Been unlatched, headstoonnnesss... Where did they go?"

 

Everyone had already left and prepared for a flight to the Ark because everyone was tired of Gravemind's Monologues. John, still crying into Arbiter's lap, says "Why are we going back to this place again?" Locke Responds and says "The robot told us to, and we'll defeat the bad guys or whatever." All of the sudden, Jul Mdama's covenant come up and say "Hi." They bomb the ever-living *%$^ outta their ship. And they fall on a Halo Ring, Installation 07.

 

On Installation 07, they find a Primordial guy or whatever, and he makes them go on another acid trip. Except this acid trip is on PCP, which makes them just utterly destroy Jul's covenant. The Primordial says "My evil Brother, Poops Out Brownish Reddish Liquids Eternally Everlasting, turned into the thing we know as the Gravemind." He also says "If we can get Mendicant Bias, we can wipe the Flood out the flood for good."

 

Just then 10,000 Prometheans surround them all. The Didact floats down and says "Dad why are you siding with these guys, come on man, you pay more attention to them than your own son!" Just then 343 Guilty Spark crashes into them saying "Reclaimer, I know I killed like one of your best friends but uh, my Rampency did that, so uh sorry." John forgives him as the Didact says "I'll be back... What is this $% with these terminator things?" While watching the Black ops 3 trailer.

 

Chief then brings his hand out of my computer while typing this and bangs my head against the KeyBoar63e63r7f34uh;ewbrplkfr;pvj.

 

I awake several hours later to find my story trashed, and my job as head 343 writer summarily revoked.

    

Edited by rrhuntington
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Chief does not have a body... his soul is actually bonded to the MK VI armor, and the man inside is his brother. This is an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the Maestr Chef Bros: who are both UNSC alchemists.

 

Locke (real name is Wrath), and his team are all homunculi that are immortal because of Philosopher's Stones, and that giant chicken is a suit of armor with the Didact's soul / essence bonded to it just like Chief's is to his armor.

 

Have some of them apples.

 

Edited by Self Destruct
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At the end of the Halo series, the final cutscene will show the creator waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Then he'll say to himself, "wow, that was a strange dream. I should lay off the chili dogs..." and slowly drift back to sleep.

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You don't play as Locke or Chief. Just a grunt. One of Arby's grunts. And all you do is translate for intergalactic foreign keg parties, none of which you get to attend. Final boss is a swollen flood infection form, which kills you anyway.

 

10/10, would throw out of a window again.

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  • 2 weeks later...

and that's when I don't get it.

 

But Caboose has been rumored to be Frank O Conner in the past so....

Wrong. That was a joke played to make him feel special. Which is wrong.

 

Ledgend1221 has actually been proven to be the real Frank O' Conner, not Caboose. For as we all know, we would be doomed. 

 

Anyways, Frank is Ledgend.

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The Flood (because unfortunately I know they will be brought back if only for fan service) realize after their constant failings that they need to come up with a new plan. This plan involves turning in to Lemmings. The Lemming onslaught will begin and humanity and the Covenant will be over run with the hordes of special education rodents. All weapons are ineffective at quelling the hordes save one.... the MC and his blender of doom. Lemmings are compelled to see an operating blender as a portal to another dimension (or some such nonsense) and are more then willing to jump in head first (for freedom!).

 

Thus the MC is forced to go from planet to planet with his mighty blender, cleansing them of all Lemming existence. Unfortunately this angers the Owl Gods, who used Lemmings as a food source (mmm tasty) and they trapped the MC on an abandoned world. Sending in the Owlnator to finish him off the MC stands little chance till fossil face (Arbiter) and lucky to be here (Locke) show up with buckets of mice. The distraction allows the MC to moon the Owlnator, which as we all know blinds all owl kind, and deliver a payload of KFC mixed with those stupid plastic rings that choke animals to death. Normally machines such as the Owlnator don't need to eat anything (much less a pathetic bird such as the chicken) but it is KFC after all and nobody can help themselves around KFC. The trick works and the Owlnator is strangled to death by the plastic rings of doom brought forth from the distant past (nobody knows how strangling a machine works but just roll with it).

 

Then as the Owlnator falls Cortana magically bursts from its stricken face and says: "Sup?" How she appears, only Jebus knows. So the universe is saved by the MC yet again, only this time against the Lemming hordes and angry Owl Gods. Reunited with Cortana allows the MC to access his disco moves and they party all night long.

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Master Chief dies in a quick time event in the opening cutscene of the game.

 

The main antagonist dies in a quick time event. Oh wait a sec...

 

 

The poster we pieced together is the first minute of the game. Both teams get killed in the battle on Sangehelios immediately after. Brilliant.

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Chief and Blue Team go back to the Ark where Chief receives a spare Cortana data chip from the Gravemind as seemingly seen in Halo Legends: Origins. Then they are on Sanghelios taking care of a mission in response to signals they've received from that planet which were creating disturbances in the galaxy as told by the Gravemind. Team Locke and Load must hunt Chief in order to bring him to ONI and have him officially listed as dead but in ONI custody like Halsey was during Halo 4. Gravemind told Chief that there was an AI who was very much like Cortana except that Cortana did not give in to the logic plague as this being once did and that if anyone can get her back it's this being but he does not mention who as he believes Chief has already had an encounter with this being. The AI is none other than Mendicant Bias and he's the bird thing from the teaser with no explanation as to how he obtained that construct to host his conscience (thanks Obama). He directs Chief to a crypt under Vadam Keep where he must fight a Guardian to get to the bottom but the Guardian is freakin huge and Mendicant forgot to mention that like a ****. Locke and Load get there right when Chief's team get there and they fight it out but while they're fighting the gigantic Guardian comes out and it's got the fire power of a Halo and a range of 25 lightyears lol. This throws a huge wrench into things and they can't fight the thing cuz it's gigantic so they have to reach out to Jul and Halsey and journey to the Absolute Record to find the off switch. They find it and also find Cortana. The end. 

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